A Healthy Dose Of Medical Sketches

♪♪ Hey, guys! What's up, what's up? Hello.

We've got an awesomecompilation video for you all about doctors.

Yes, all about doctors.

And medical things.

So if you want to feelsmart medically, check out this compilation.

Monocle.

[laughs] Doctors all havemonocles.

Yeah.

And teacups.

[slurp] [audience cheering] Thanks for coming outwith us tonight, Stace.

Seriously, withschool and work, we never seefriends anymore.

Oh, no.

Guys, thanks forhaving me.

By the way, I heard thisrestaurant is terrific.

So.

.

.

Oh yeah, it's amazing.

Oh.

Thank you.

Speaking of terrific, dig in! Mmm.

Okay, you weren'tkidding.

This is amazing.

Right? I mean, seriously, just wait for dessert, 'cause I tell you–honey? Matt, you okay? Oh, uh, he's choking.

Do you know theHeimlich maneuver? What? No! I'll go get help.

What? Come on! Hey, is there a doctor here? This man is choking.

Oh please! I'm a doctor.

Oh good.

Thank you.

Are you going to dothe Heimlich? No.

Why not? I don't know how.

But you're a doctor! Yeah, my doctorate'sin art history.

So.

.

.

Wait, then why did yourush over here so fast? Uh, because my degreeis no less legit than anyone else's.

Okay? I worked hard for that.

You know what? Get out of here, okay? Is anyone else a doctor? Oh, I am! Medical? French literature.

What is wrongwith you people? I'm actually hereto apply for a job because these studentloans are killing me.

Right? Okay, are they? Are they killing you? Because right now thecasual dining experience is killing this man.

All right? So we need a doctorwith medical training.

I can help.

Oh.

I'm a psychiatrist.

Now tell me, what does this choking haveto do with your childhood? We need a real doctor.

I am real doctor.

I can write prescriptions.

Who needs Prozac? [cries] I got help! Oh, thanks! A real doctor! Yeah, I'm a registered nurse.

Oh, get him out of here! Are you serious? Nurse?Come on! Oh, it's okay babe.

We'll get you a doctor.

Hey, I– I could tell him wherethe Mona Lisa is located.

Okay, how is that goingto help the situation? It's in the Louvre.

Okay– I can help.

I can help in aboutuh, 20 seconds.

Okay, how? How? I'm a coroner.

[cries] Okay, stand aside.

I'm a medical doctor.

Oh, come on.

I'll help him as soonas you tell me who his insurance provider is.

Oh.

Oh, Blue Cross? Oh.

Tough luck.

Wait, what? Are you serious? Oh.

And he's gone.

No, he's not.

Oh, come here.

[groans] Jeremy: Are you okay? Oh, I saw a light.

It was beautiful.

Thank you, doctor.

Yeah, well, I'm a nurse.

Oh, you let me getsaved by a nurse? So sorry.

So sorry.

[audience cheering] [man groans] Female: It's going to be all right, sweetheart.

You're going to be all right.

Somebody please help! My husband has been stabbed! Stabbed, you say? Yes, please sir, can you help? I can certainly try.

I'm Detective Doctor.

Doctor! Oh, thank goodness youwere passing by.

He needs a doctordesperately.

Oh, I'm no doctor.

But you said– Doctor is my name.

I'm a detective.

Detective Doctor, at your service.

Oh, I see.

Thank you kindly, sir.

I'm Mrs.

Officer.

Officer? Why didn't you callfor police backup? I'm no officer.

But you said– Officer is my name.

I'm a Mrs.

, Mrs.

Officer.

Oh, I see.

So what happened? Well, a man approachedmy husband and said, “I told youI'd get you back, ” and then he stabbed him.

Did you recognizethis man? It was dark.

I couldn't see his face, and he disguised his voice.

What on earth isgoing on here? A mysterious manstabbed Mr.

Officer.

He stabbed a policeman? He's no policeman.

He's a professor, and he's badly hurt.

Well, don't worry, ma'am.

I'm Doctor Hisbrother.

I'll have a look at him.

Thank you so muchfor being here.

You know this man? I do now.

This is Hisbrother.

His brother?! A prime suspect in any case.

Excuse me? It's often the brotherwho has a vendetta.

Come back to this crime sceneto play the hero, have you? But I'm not his brother.

Where were youwhen he was stabbed? I was workingat the hospital! My assistant canvouch for that.

Man: Indeed I can.

I'm Doctor Detective.

Pleased to meet you.

Detective Doctor.

Excuse me, detective.

[Together] Yes? No, not Detective Doctor.

Doctor Detective.

Doctor! [Together] Yes? [Yells] You're confusing everyone! Get out of here! You called for me? No, I meant Hisbrother.

Oh, he's yourbrother.

That makes evenmore sense.

You're saying it wrong.

It's pronounced”hiss-brother.

” He's gone unconscious! I'll look at him again.

Woman: 'Ello, someonecall for a policeman? Officer Wounded here, whatseems to be the problem? We have a Mr.

Officerwounded here.

That's Mrs.

Officer Wounded, if you please.

No, I'm fine.

It's my husbandwho's wounded.

There are no men with thename Wounded in my family.

Must be another Wounded.

Another wounded? It seems the culprit ison a stabbing spree, and the only suspect.

.

.

His brother! Well then, where'syour brother? My brother? He's in Paris.

Paris? He's a quick one, ain't he? Well, what's my brother gotto do with anything? He's under arrest for thestabbing of.

.

.

who now? Mr.

Officer.

A policeman? He's being put awayfor life if I have anythingto say about it.

But it wasn'tmy brother.

It was his brother.

Well, how convenient becauseyou're his brother.

My name is”Hisbrother.

” [coughs] Darling! Mr.

Officer.

Hey, I'm a woman.

Mrs.

Officer.

Yes, ma'am? Thank you.

Is there anything we can do, doctor? Yes.

Give me the names of everyone your husbandspoke to this week.

She was talking to me.

Your name's not Doctor.

Yes, but I am a doctor.

You're very dim to callyourself Detective.

I call myself Doctor! THIS IS MADNESS! We caught this manholding a bloody knife two blocks that way.

That's him! That's the man who stabbedMr.

Officer! You stabbeda policeman? [gasps] Officer Wrong-Guy.

No, it's him, I swear it.

It sure is.

Well done, Officer Wrong-Guy.

It appears he's a disgruntledstudent of Professor Officer.

So your husband's studentis your brother.

Now I understand! As a matter of fact, he is my brother.

He's always beenoverprotective of me, over-jealous, over-zealous, but I never thought itwould come to this.

You're a disgrace tothe Schtabbum family, Isaac William.

Violence ends now, Isaac William.

And so does the bloody caseof the culprit whose plan was in hisname all along: I.

Will.

Schtabbum! [audience applause] Doctors, I'm afraid John Gibsonis here to see you again.

Oh! Not again! That hypochondriac issingle-handedly driving up health care costs in theUnited States.

Yeah, I think it's time forthe treatment that we discussed.

You sure? It's awfully risky.

It's never beentested before.

I don't think wehave a choice.

Let's do it.

Oh doctor, thank youfor seeing me, I was just reading aboutsmallpox on Wikipedia and I am absolutelyconvinced that I have it because of this bumpright here.

Do you see that? I see.

John, we just got your testresults back from the lab from when you were last hereto see us two hours ago.

Yes? And well John, it turns out, you were rightabout everything.

You really do have polio, yellow fever, heart parasites, restless leg syndrome, 16 distinct typesof malaria, and by your own description, “all the plagues.

” How long do I have? Thirty seconds, tops.

Oh no, I knew it all along.

Shh! You fought a good fight! We're going to namethe disease after you.

We'll call it theJohn Gibson TDS.

That stands for TotalDisaster Syndrome.

Thank you;that's very kind of you.

Can't be too careful.

This is it.

I can feel myselfslipping.

Time of death, 2:41 P.

M.

Oh no, I'm stillhere, Doctor.

Hello? I'm not dead yet.

I'm still alive.

Time to callthe funeral home.

[gasps] I must be dead.

What do I do now? [evil laughing] Oh! The devil! John Gibson, I'm afraid your annoying lifeof tormenting medical personnel has earned you a placein my kingdom.

What? How could that be? I couldn't havebeen that bad! Really? You don't remember the seasonyou got 36 flu shots on the first day theywere available? And do you rememberhow many elderly people were unable to getthem that year? Exactly 36.

Yes! And they all died!What?! [evil laughing] No just kidding, just alittle evil humor for you.

[sigh] But seriously, two of themgot really, really sick.

Oh, I feel awful! That's because you'rean awful person John, and you belongwith me, ha, ha.

Oh, no.

Not so fast! Behold: me.

An angel! Yes, I have come to barterfor this man's soul.

B-r-r-ring! Ha ha! You must think me mad for this is the single mostah-nnoying man I have ever seen.

Yes, he isvery annoying.

But is that enough to earn mean eternity of torment? Devil and Angel:[together] Yes.

Okay.

You have to understand, John, that in your life, you weresuper, super annoying.

And also your doctors weretoo polite to tell you this, but you alwaysreeked of ammonia.

Well it's very clean.

And you also stole the tonguedepressors after every visit.

What? No I didn't.

Well then whothe heck took–Focus! Now regardless! You are comingwith me.

No, but I don't deserve this! Enough! You shall nottake him.

Be gone, red demon.

Ahhhh.

Gnashing of teeth.

Ah, so it's offto heaven then? No, John, I'm not goingto take you either.

Oh no, do I go to some kindof in-between place? [whispers]Is it Canada? No, okay? I'm going to send youback to your body, but you must promise to nevertrouble your doctors again.

Oh, but what do I doin life? I was so sick.

Yes, I thought of that.

And that is whyI will cure you with just the touchof my heavenly hand.

Oh, amazing.

[sings like an angel] Goodbye, heavenly messenger! John! You're alive! Yes! And what's more, I'm completely cured of all diseases! Amazing! You have the strongestheart I've ever heard! Learned doctor, I requireyour services no more.

Farewell.

Go! And be sure to pay your $25copay at the front desk! Mallory: Nicely done, everyone.

Yeah, I can'tbelieve that worked.

Nice slap, by the way.

Felt good.

Oh man, what a relief.

We have to call him backin here though because he reallydoes have smallpox.

[audience cheering] Man: Welcome, students, to your first diagnosticmedicine course.

I am your instructor, Dr.

Cyrus Archer.

Thank you, thank you.

Let's proceed, shall we? The patient exhibits symptomsof stomachaches, cramps, and nausea.

Does anyone have a guessas to the diagnosis? Is it the plague? Hysteria? A ghost.

[laughs] I'm afraid only oneof you is correct.

The answer is clearlya ghost.

What? I'm afraid a spirit withunfinished business has made a home in your stomach.

And you're absolutely sure? Well, it's either that or these “germs” everyonekeeps talking about.

[laughing] Oh, look at me! I'm a germ! I make people get really sickeven though no one can see me! Well said.

You can't seea ghost, either.

That's becausehe's in your stomach.

I assure you, if we wereto cut you open right now, we would find one angryapparition.

Let's cut him open.

Okay.

Okay, wait, wait, wait! I'd like a second opinion.

This seems very questionable.

How does someone evencontract a ghost? Students? Eating red meat? Converting toProtestantism? Educating a woman.

Mmm.

None of those apply to me.

Hmm.

What is yourastrological sign? Gemini.

All: Ah.

Oh, don't pretendlike you know! Oh, he's becoming hostile.

The ghost may have moved intohis thinking organ, the lungs.

Students: Hmm.

We will have to preparemy surgery tools.

What? Is that your answerto everything? Cutting people open? You say that likeit's a bad thing.

Strap him down! Okay, no!No! There must be another wayto get rid of a ghost! Indeed there is.

Students, what recoursecan we offer him? Leeches.

Draining a quarterof his blood.

Draining allof his blood.

Ah, yes.

Absolutely.

Let's get started.

No! You're all crazy! Don't touch me! Sir, please relax.

The percentage of patientswho survive this is quite high–In the teens, even! All right, NO! NO! I'm just going to go homeand get some rest.

[doctor sighs] But, doctor, won't he die now? Normally, yes, but fortunately for him, I managed to slip somemercury into his drink.

He'll be right as rain! On to the next patient.

This woman seems to besuffering from a curse brought on by a wood nymph.

Oh.

I'm having a baby! Ah! That's for medicineto decide.

Fatty.

O-bese.

♪♪ Woman: Okay, settle down, guys! Settle down.

Everyone–settle down, okay? Your teacher is sick today, so we're gettinga substitute for you.

He should be here any minute, and I want you all to be on yourbest behaviors.

Don't make me come down here.

[German accent] Hello.

Hi.

I am Dr.

Reebs.

Reebs? I am Reebs.

Oh! And are you really a doctor? Ja! Like Dr.

Dre.

Who.

.

.

Who isn't a doctor.

It's a metaphor.

He cures the worldof bad music.

I cure the worldof bad fashion.

Well, we've had weirder.

Good luck! This will not do.

Your teacher has taughtyou nothing! I must startfrom the beginning.

Assistants! [German accent}Yes, Reebs? [German accent]We're here for you, Reebs.

Take a lookat this class and tell me whatera we must be in.

Dark ages.

Dark ages for sure.

Very dark.

Ja.

These are my assistants, Mimi and Juju.

I am Mimi.

I am Juju.

I am Reebs.

What are we learning today? Ah! Perfect! I know everything there isto know about economics.

Are you kidding me? I need a volunteer.

You.

Come! Mimi? Ja.

Juju? Ja.

Let's teach them economics.

It's all about the supply– And demand.

Supply goes upwith the price.

Demand goes downwith the price.

Where they meet–Both: Magic! Boom!Economics.

So–so why am I up here? Ah.

Cheap, ugly clothes.

[scoffs] Ugliness.

Nobody wants that.

Demand shirt curveshifts down.

Uh-oh.

Make it cheaply.

Wal-Mart $5 special.

Supply curve shifts up.

Your mother buys it for youand ruins your social life.

Your shirt is like a piece ofcotton that got confused.

Boom! Economics.

You guys are jerks.

No.

I am Reebs.

Mmm.

What's next? Literature? Yes! New volunteer.

You, come! Mimi and Juju: Mmm.

What do we have here? I see the problem.

Tell me, Mimi.

I will tell you, Juju.

Poor man's Harry Potter.

You're right, Mimi.

I am, Juju.

Teen Vogue.

InStyle.

Marie Claire.

These are yournew homeworks.

Open them up.

Find the perfect article.

All: Magic! Also! “To Kill a Mockingbird.

” [gasps] Very good book.

Ooh, Atticus in fittedArmani suit.

Scout in A-line, tea-length dress.

Make it emerald greento give her some edge! Boom! Literature.

Next! French.

French? [whispered]Do you speak French? [whispering] Paris.

Mimi and Juju: Go there! Boom!French.

Next! Art.

Huh.

My greatest talent.

Yes.

[chuckles] Juju? Ja.

Mimi?Ja.

Ready.

♪♪ Excuse–Excuse me! Excuse me.

This young man told meyou insulted him in front of the whole class.

[scoffs] He insulted my eyes.

In front of the whole me.

Also, I checked your file and this does notcount as a resume.

[Mimi and Juju gasp] So if you're nota real substitute, you need to leave.

Fine.

But their fashion bloodis on your hands.

Oh, and by the way, your outfit? All: Tragic! ♪♪ All right, it looks like wehave a couple vaccines today.

Oh yeah, we're goingon vacation next week.

Oh, cool! Where you guys going? We're goingto Cambodia.

It's our four-yearanniversary.

Sounds exotic! We're way excited.

I mean, we've been lookingforward to this trip for, you know, the better partof a year now.

[cries] It's okay! It's okay.

Everything's goingto be fine.

We ju– Okay.

We just have one more shot and then you guysare good to go.

Just one more! No.

I don't want to! Honey! I don't want to! I don't want to! It's okay.

Okay.

I don't want to! Hey, hey, hey.

It's just fine, it's just a little poke.

I DON'T WANT TO! I'm gonna justhold him down, just go ahead andgive him the shot.

Is this normal? Unfortunately, yes.

I said I don't want to! Jeremy! I can numb the area if that'sgoing to make it feel better.

Great! Okay, good.

That'll take another shot, so just let me– Jeremy! Sir, I'm going to need youto get down from there.

Go away! Hey! What are you doing? Jeremy! Leave me alone.

KNOCK IT OFF! Honey, we can getan ice cream cone! Yeah! Really? Yeah.

[screamsin pain] What the–? Are you okay?No! I am so sorry! Jeremy! Jeremy? Okay, we need you to comeout of there, sweetheart.

Jeremy: No! We have a presentfor you.

Jeremy: What is it? You'll have to come outhere and see it.

Jeremy: Put it in my hand.

Oh, it's too bigfor your hand.

Jeremy: It is? NOW! [silence] [screams] [cries] [shushes]You're okay.

Oh, you were so brave! It's okay.

Here, let me wipe offyour slobber.

Was I a big boy? You were such a big boy.

Okay.

Now that that's over, ma'am, we just have your shotand you guys are good to go.

Uh, okay.

Okay, good.

[sprays] [screams] RUN, Jeremy! Don't forget the suckers! [screams] [audience cheers] Man: Hola.

Bienvenido a.

.

.

[melodramatic Latin music] Señor Estone? ¿Sí? I'm afraid el prognósticodoes not look bueno.

Tu fiancée Sofía haseh-slipped into a coma.

All we can do nowis wait.

Gracias, Doctor.

No quiero leave este hospitaluntil I know Sofía está bien.

Bueno.

I will keep you postedowith the updatos.

Gracias.

Por favor, Sofía.

I don't have la capacidadto vivir without you, mi amor.

It's muy sad to hear aboutyour financée's accidente.

I've been told she wasel amor of your vida.

[Latin guitar riff] [Señor Estone groans] Your teeth are fake? You could have any teethand you choose these teeth.

Well, I figure if theyare too straight, they do not look real.

Sí.

Charletta.

I should have known you wouldshow your toothless cara aquí.

Before you marrythat burro Sofía– Oh.

What is el problema? Nothing, that's mi malo.

I thought for some reasonyou would have really bad crossed ojos.

Oh.

No, I got those fixed.

Oh.

But I still have this.

[Latin guitar riff] ¡Hola, chica! Bésame.

Sorry.

He's muy creepy.

¡Por favor, Grahamo! I necesito tú.

Ever since you left, yo soy muy alone in el mundo.

¿Sí? Sí.

Sí.

¡Silencio! ¡Ay, mi boca! Oh Charletta, yo soy sorryfor questioning your corazon.

I have bueno news.

Tu fiancée Sofía is awakeand she's going to be okay.

Grahamo, estoy bien.

I had a dreamo– Ooh! ¡Ay caramba! Grahamo, ¿por qué? [Latin guitar riff] [audience laughing] Es muy malo the sightof you together.

Adios.

.

.

Para siempre.

I think it would be más buenoif the dos of you left.

You mean the tres of us.

¡Ay! Mi nose es destruido.

Another lovers'quarrel, Doctor? Yes, pero no soy doctor.

[Latin guitar riff] ¡Yo soy luchador! [cheering] ♪♪ And that'show I discovered that I didn't havea shrimp allergy.

Oh my goodness, fascinating story.

Mm-hmm.

How are you guys enjoyingthe sketches? We got more! A lot more.

And they're way moreexciting than we are, so, keep on trucking.

I'm excited.

Ehh.

Woman: Patient sufferedextreme trauma after swallowinga flaming sword.

Whoa.

That's a first.

How did that happen? Do you not recognize him, sir? This is Pandolfothe Magnificent, the world-famous magician? Something must have gonewrong during one of his acts.

Okay, enough chitchat.

We don't have any timefor this.

He's bleeding internally.

Scalpel.

There you go.

Making first incision.

I'm not seeing– [explosion]Whoa! What the? It's a rabbit, Doctor.

Yeah, I know it's a rabbit.

How did it get in here? Magic.

Don't be an idiot, nurse.

Where did it come from? Exactly.

Okay, no.

We don't have time for this.

Give me another scalpel.

So weird.

Okay, making second– [explosion]Whoa! What the? This is a hospital, not a backwoods Honey Bucket! We can't have feral rodentsrunning around the O.

R.

Oh, Doctor, his heartbeatis rapiding.

Give me some antiarrhythmics.

Make sure to– What ishappening here? [gasps] Where is it allcoming from? Man, this guy is good.

Nurse, please, try to containyour excitement.

I know this– oh, that's hisintestines, okay.

We're going to very technicallyshove that back in there.

Okay, should we proceed, Doctor? Yes, we need to– You just want tosee more magic.

I can't help it! He's amazing.

It's just like I'mwatching my uncle again.

Your uncle is a magician? No, but he's dead.

This patient is not dead yet, but he will be if we keepgetting interrupted.

Now, please let me focus.

Okay, I'm not understanding– [explosion] [screams] WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY ALLCOMING FROM? [giddy]Oh! I'm so glad I got to workthis shift! Where's the syringe? Do you see it? Maybe he made it disappear? He is unconscious.

The only thingthat's disappearing are his oddsof staying alive.

Check behind my ear.

Right, because the magicianput it behind your– [screams] He's amazing! Who hides a syringebehind someone's ear?! [flatlines] Doctor, we'relosing him! Give me the crash cart.

Hurry, hurry! Clear! [popping] Oh! Clear! [popping] Clear! [popping] [flatline] He's gone.

[cries] What the– That was the cardI was thinking of.

[cries] Time of death 10:15.

I'm sorry, Nurse.

I have to admit though, I'm impressed.

The world losta true talent tonight.

Let's inform the nextof kin and make sure– [screams] Demon! Get down this instant! He's gone! I lost a body! Oh, I lost a body.

The malpractice attorneysare going to eat me alive.

TA-DA! Aren't you bleedinginternally? How did you–? Ah! A magician never reveals his– [thud] Yeah, he's gone.

[screams] Drive faster, Mallory, the bleeding isgetting worse.

I'm trying, okay? I get nervous when peopleyell while I'm driving.

Oh my fault, I'll just diein silence, shall I? Matt, you're alwaysso dramatic.

Yeah, calm down, Matt.

You're not dying.

You're just losinglarge amounts of blood.

Yeah, that happens to bea leading cause of death.

No, you're thinkingof cancer.

I thought heart disease wasthe number one cause of death.

Yes, but without blood, my heart will havenothing to pump and will thereforeget bored and die.

Oh, please try not to getyour blood on the seat.

Are you guys sure this is theright way to the hospital? I'm pretty sure.

What do you meanyou're pretty sure? I think it's by that placewhere we ate at the other day, what was it? Those fries were delicious.

Oh my gosh, seriously, they were so good.

THIS is my arm! Notice how I'm ableto hold it an entire arm's lengthaway from my body.

This is anundesirable quality.

I insist that you focus onfinding me medical care.

What are you doing? I have a date after this.

Actually, can one of yougrab the wheel? Thanks.

Hey, how come we'reslowing down? Some ducks arecrossing the road.

Well, what elseam I supposed to do? Kill them! That's terrible.

No, this is terrible! I'm not killingthose ducks, Matt.

Yeah.

They are adorable.

Get me to a hospital.

Oh, ugh.

Matt, your armis really cold.

Is it, Jason? I'm no doctor but I wouldventure to guess that's probably indicative ofsome kind of severe trauma.

I don't know, some people just havecold hands all the time.

Should I turnthe heater on? Oh yeah.

Okay.

Guys, if I don't make it, I just want you both to know that I hate you.

Matt, quit being so dramatic.

Look, the ducks arecrossing the road.

See? And nothinghad to die.

Oh look, the placewith the fries, you thinkwe have time? Yes.

Nice.

[audience applause] ♪♪ Dramatic Male Narrator: From the producers that brought you.

.

.

and.

.

.

[beeping turns to flatline] BYUtv presents a brand-new medical drama.

♪♪ Matt: Get me a crash cart.

♪♪ Narrator: Ethics will be tested.

I can't operate onthat dog, Whitney, it went on my lawnthis morning.

My lawn.

Jason, you can'tlet your emotions interfere with the work.

We're here to saveall the dogs, good dogs and the bad dogs, no matter how hard it is.

Narrator: A fatal mistake.

.

.

Clear.

What on earth didyou have this set to?! Narrator: will turn best friends.

.

.

It was justthe lowest setting, I– I'm not going downfor this, and if I am, I'm taking youwith me.

Narrator: .

.

.

against each other.

♪♪ You.

Natalie, calm down.

He used to look at methat way.

You homewrecker! Shh.

It's okay.

I don't even knowthe difference between a cockatooand a cockapoo.

Narrator: Hand-holding.

No one does.

♪♪ Narrator: True character exposed.

Have you ever noticed how allpitbulls look the same? Racism, from you? Narrator: Everything goes wrong.

Stacey: Guys, the llama'son the loose in the psych ward and he has a scalpel.

[whimpering] You got rabiesfrom the patient? It happens, okay? I got too close.

Narrator: Fear around every corner.

Mallory: I'm afraid.

We're all afraid.

[intense music] Narrator: And this is just the beginning.

What do we do? Get the kale andthe timothy hay! What do they eat? Can we feed him rocks? You're a ninja turtle.

You make Donatellolook like a pansy, man, just hang in there.

[intense music] Narrator: ER: Vet Division, coming soon to BYUtv.

[sirens] All right Mr.

and Mrs.

Swenson, are you two readyto have a baby? No! Yes.

She's just in a lotof pain right now.

Epidural.

Oh yes, about that, Mrs.

Swenson, I'm afraid you're too faralong for an epidural.

[grunts] Get me an epiduralor he dies! Now honey, I don't think– [grunting] Surely there's somethingthat you can do? Well there is onetreatment we could try, but it's newand untested.

We will take it.

Honey, just think– Just shut it.

[gasping]We'll take it.

Okay Mr.

Swenson, if you'lljust sit here on this bed.

Okay.

We're going to hook a deviceup to your head that will essentially transferthe pain of childbirth.

[audience laughing] So Mrs.

Swenson, you won't feel a thing.

Mr.

Swenson, buckle up.

Wait, so I'm going to gothrough labor for her? Doctor: Precisely.

All right, just give mea little second to get a littleaccustomed to this– [bloodcurdling scream] [groaning] I'm sorry, that painwas involuntary.

Okay you know what, perhaps we should wait until the end of acontraction to switch over, maybe let you ease into it.

That sounds great.

Okay.

Oh, and it looks like thecontraction has passed so let's switch overin three, two, one.

[machine whirring] Okay.

I'm a man, I'm strongerthan this baby.

[audience laughing] Okay, and the contractionscome at about 30 seconds apart so it should be comingany moment now.

All right, I feel good, I feel good, I feel– [groaning] [moaning] [moaning and crying] [moaning and crying] These are all empty.

[audience laughing] [groaning] [groaning] YOU! [groans] [through mouthful of ice]You did this to me! I hate your mother! [groaning] We're never havinganother child! Doctor: Okay, this looks like this is it.

All right, Jeremy, it's time for you to push.

Okay.

[groaning] PUSH! [audience laughing] [moaning] Jeremy, just rememberwhat you told me earlier, that pain is weaknessleaving the body.

I was so insensitive.

[groaning] Pain is a babyleaving the body.

[groaning] [baby crying] Doctor: Congratulations, you two.

He's so beautiful.

All the pain was worth it.

I just feel so close to him.

Life is such a miracle.

[shuddering] What was that? Oh honey, I was goingto surprise you, we're having twins.

[audience laughing] [screaming] Jason: So we've been twins for like 24 years.

Twenty-five.

Yeah, right, 24, 25 years.

How can you not know that? I don't need to know that because you're alwaysthere to correct me.

Bazan: I'm sensingsome tension here.

No, we're fine– Look, I justget a little flustered because sometimes peoplegroup us together.

People always treat uslike we're one person.

One person who doesn'tknow our own age.

Okay.

.

.

Bazan: Well you know, there are a lot of perksto being a twin, too.

Both: Yeah?Like what? It's funny you should ask.

♪♪ ♪ Let's say you rob a bank, ♪ ♪ and soon you bump into the boys in blue, ♪ ♪ they'll try to haul you in, but you win, ♪ ♪ ‘cause if you've got a twin, ♪ ♪ how can they ever prove that it was you? ♪ ♪ Or if you're unlucky in love, ♪ ♪ and haven't got a sweetheart you can woo, ♪ ♪ well keep up your morale ‘cause pal ♪ ♪ your brother's got a gal ♪ ♪ and if you play your cards right ♪ ♪ so do you.

♪ ♪ Being a twin can have its perks, yeah, ♪ ♪ your mattress is just your size.

♪ ♪ You can have a Suite Life or haunt hotel rooms, ♪ ♪ and you've always got good advice.

♪ Matt: We have to shareeverything: birthday, family– Underwear.

We have absolutelynothing in common.

That's not true! I finish her sentencesall the time, but sometimesthey don't make sense.

It's calledinterrupting.

So where's your twin? He's right here.

I get older, he gets younger.

Are you wearing itright now?! Not if you're super mad.

♪ If your parentsseparate ♪ ♪ and split you upright when you're born, ♪ ♪ you'll meet by chanceand become close friends– ♪ ♪ Now where have weseen that before? ♪ It's a trap! ♪ Being a twin is handy, ♪ ♪ you don't need a mirror to see your face.

♪ ♪ You could be the founders of Rome, ♪ ♪ or almost Facebook, ♪ ♪ and you don't need much personal space.

♪ Stephen: I'm married, he's single.

Every time he dates in publicpeople call my wife.

Our mom dresses us.

One of us doesn'tpull it off very well.

EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKSWHO'S BORN FIRST! Have you ever lost anine-month race by ONE MINUTE?! How?! Th–I have the samegenes as him.

So who's older? We're not twins.

♪ When we hear you're a twin we're impressed ♪ ♪ but you'll learn we'll all be let down ♪ ♪ once we know you're fraternal.

♪ ♪ Even the twins withskills in magic, ♪ ♪ should watch their backs before things get tragic.

♪ ♪ But being a twincan have its perks ♪ ♪ if you just open upyour eyes.

♪♪ Wow.

You've really got this down.

Yeah, do you have a twin? No, actually, I don't.

Male: [falsetto voice] Dr.

Bazan, Mary-Kate and Ashleyare here to see you.

[all yelling] WHAT? [yelling continues] WHY-Y-Y? Is she available, or.

.

.

? [audience applause] Woman: [Southern accent] Mrs.

Hansen? Oh, that's me.

I'm going to need your insuranc for our billing purposes.

[baby crying] Oh, sh.

Joy, it's okay.

Mama's here.

Joy.

What a perfect little name for one of heaven'sperfect little angels.

She's the bright spotin our lives.

Quite so, quite so.

Oh, she sure is achipper little skipper.

Mm, I do love thoselittle chiclets.

I just want to eat them up and absorb their lust for life.

Thanks, that's– Keep 'em young, teach 'em well.

Children are our future.

Ooh, she's got some cutiepatootie pantaloonies! [emotional voice]Oh, Joy.

You have brought joyto me today.

Thank you.

Stacey: [clears throat] Uh, Ms.

Hansen, you can wait in room D.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Joy, bye! Stacey: Barbara.

Oh, yes.

Remember not to keepthe patient waiting.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I just couldn't let thatlittle peanut pass by without cracking it open.

Okay.

.

.

All righty now, Jack? Oh, here he is.

This must be the littletater tot.

Ooh, I could just eat him upwith ketchup and garlic chiveGreek yogurt dip.

Yeah, so whereshould we wait– Oh, look at the chin! That's the chinof a president.

Oh, yeah.

.

.

Going to be president and getrid of all the sadness in this world.

These children, they are our future.

.

.

a future so bright we're allgoing to get skin cancer.

[baby gurgling] He just said my name! Oh, I don't knowif he said– He said, “Barbara, I love you!” He's three weeks old.

I love you too, President Jack.

Papa bear, can I hold yourlittle cub? What? That wasn't a no.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go, little buddy.

Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you.

[baby spitting up] Oh, I'm sorry.

He spit up on you.

Do not apologize.

This is the single greatestblessing bestowed upon me today.

Thank you.

Stacey: Barbara! Nurse Harkey, I was just sending thisprecious cargo your way.

Thank you.

Bye, president.

I'm so sorry.

♪ And we'll walk hand in hand ♪ ♪ in the light ofthe rising sun.

♪♪ Excuse me.

Yes? When can we see the doctor? Ooh! Who is this chubby cherub? Ooh, you are so sweet.

If I ate you up, I'd probablyget diabetes again.

But that wouldn't stop me! Yeah.

He's quite a handful.

Well, bricks and mortarmake a house, but the laughter of childrenmakes the home.

[baby talk] [camera shutter] I will cherish this forever.

How did you do that? Barbara: I'm just gonna put it right over here.

Oh yes, perfect.

Here we go.

Barbara: Oh, yeah.

Barbara.

Yes? Maybe you need to go homefor the day.

What? Nurse Harkey, I'm fine, okay? I don't know why youwould say that.

I'm comp– twins! Oh, are you KFC? 'Cause I see four chubbythighs I could just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.

BARBARA, you are makingpeople uncomfortable! You know what, you're done.

You need to go home.

Oh, can do.

Whoa, hey! Come on, chilluns.

BARBARA! Hey, Chris, thanks forgiving me a ride here.

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

I can't believeyour sister survived jumping into that rhino cage.

Yeah.

Also, why did your sisterjump into that rhino cage? Oh, we have a seriesof escalating dares.

Wow.

It's clearly timeto stop.

You think she'll be okay? Oh yeah, yeah.

I think she'll be fine.

Why do you ask? Are you going to takeher on that date she's beenhounding you about? She's really persistent, butI don't think she's my type.

Hey, Brandon? Can we get youat the front desk to fill out some paperworkfor your sister? Sure.

I'll just be a minute.

Yeah, cool.

[coughs] Catherine, Catherine, hey.

Where–where am I? Um, you need to lay back.

You've had a really long day.

Oh, Chr-Chris! Hi! Hi! [flirty]Hi.

Fancy meeting you here.

At the hospital? So did you, uh, lift me ontothis gurney all by yourself? No, I think the EMT's– Yeah, I'll bet you didwith those guns.

Ooh! [makes gun noise] Catherine, I think you need to rest.

Caaat.

What? Call me Cat.

[cat noise] [clicks tongue] Ow! Oh, ow! That tickled, but less in a fun way and more of a way that feelslike stabbing.

Yeah.

They said the rhino literallystepped on your face.

So you were lookingat my face.

It's hard not to.

What are you? What is that? What are you doing? Stop that.

Stop.

You're going to hurtyourself some more.

Okay, yeah, I'll stop, butjust because you asked me to and not because my jaw makesthe sound of Rice Krispies when it moves.

Okay, you need to lay back, Catherine, really.

But then it would mess upmy hair, which someone has failedto compliment.

No, no, I wouldn't touch your head.

The, uh– [audience screaming] the rhino startedeating it after you blacked out.

You're just lefta few wispies.

Well, it's, uh, nothing a littleaccessorizing wouldn't fix.

[groans] Okay, this–Catherine, seriously, you just needto lay down.

Oh, come on, you– OW! MY GOODNESS! THAT EVIL WHAT– Your arm's severelyinjured, so.

.

.

Didn't even need an x-rayor anything, burly Sherlock.

Sherlock! Elementary, dear Watson.

It's got a rhino hornsticking out of it.

It's pretty obvious.

[audience reacts] You like a girl who'sliterally one with nature? No, no I– Charge! Stop, stop.

Oh come on, stop.

Put that away, please.

Ooh! You smell like Old Spiceand antiseptic.

Just the–you know, the handsanitizer when I came in.

What are you– You're so thoughtful of myweakened immune system.

No, I'm not– Oh, oh, oh.

I think my lips are gone.

I think this is oneof your molars.

Your mouth's bleedinga lot.

Not as much as mybleeding heart.

I cannot tell if you'reflirting with me or hemorrhaging internally.

Both.

That's not a good thing.

Can we–yes.

Okay, Catherine.

We need to get youoff to surgery.

We have to hustle because it turns out thatrhino did have rabies.

You kissed me whenyou had rabies? Brandon dared me to! You will notback down! Oh guys, come on! How'd you guys like that? Did you love it? Then subscribe! Yes, it's over! So watch more videos! And have a good one.

See you guys.

Let's do the “Health Hula”” Health Hula.

This is what doctors do whenthey save a patient.

Woo! And everyone's gone.

No more triplebypass surgery.

No more clogged arteries.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Yeah.

.

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